My Sweet & Sassy Sydney

To know Sydney was to love her.  From the moment my parents rescued her as a puppy she was skiddish and spooked easily.  She wasn’t particularly fond of strangers or outsiders and often growled at or bit people who approached her, but to those she was fond of, she loved so so deeply.  She was sophisticated, sweet and oh so sassy. 

Sydney was the replacement for me.  When I left home for college, my mom was faced with an empty nest for the first time in roughly 36 years.  Naturally, the replacement for four grown daughters was a new daughter in the form of a puppy named Sydney.  I didn’t care for Sydney much in her early years.  She was high maintenance, scared of everything & everyone and ran away all the time.  I don’t remember when exactly I came around to her, but I did in a big way.  In the summers or on breaks when I was home, my dad would bring her in my room in the wee hours of the morning every day when he left for work, where she would snuggle at my feet until I was ready to get up.  For some reason, she gravitated toward me more than my sisters.  I don’t know why but we just had a stronger bond.  She knew us all by name.  If we were ever coming home for a weekend or Holiday, my mom would tell her “Bekah’s coming home today” and she would sit by the front door for hours until I got there.  She did that for all of us, but my parents said she took it to another level when it was me.  When they built their new house and retired a few years ago, my mom was adamant that the dogs were not allowed in the guest bedrooms.  Getting on the beds was entirely off limits and she preferred that the dogs not even go in the rooms.  Naturally I let Sydney in my room whenever she wanted and more often than not, would encourage her to sit on the bed while I putzed around doing whatever.  She and Snickers sleep in my parents bed every night, but this summer when I was living at home for a few months she would sneak into my room each night and sleep under my bed.  She wouldn’t make a peep or try and get out of the room until I was awake and ready to start my day. 

Anytime I debated going home for a weekend away, I would think about the dogs and my decision would be made.  I’d always drive a little faster heading home knowing that there would be two fluff balls jumping with joy to see me.  Maybe it’s because I’m single, maybe it’s because I’m weird but I was happier to see Sydney than just about anyone.  We talked a lot and I always told her what a “pretty girl” she was.

 

When I got the news Monday that something was wrong, my heart sank.  We had all been in Atlanta last week/weekend for Thanksgiving with my extended family as we do yearly.  On Thanksgiving Day, my mom and I noticed that she was outside more than normal and trying to pee but nothing would come out.  We kept an eye on her and everyone chalked it up to a UTI.  Although somewhat more lethargic than normal, she was playing, eating and otherwise acting perfectly normal.  Come Saturday when she still wasn’t peeing I started to get worried.  I just had that feeling in my gut that something bigger was wrong.  She didn’t show any signs of pain or discomfort but she was way more cuddly than normal.  She snuggled up to my uncle on the couch a lot and she NEVER snuggles on a chair or couch…especially not with people she doesn’t know well.  I had heard that dogs can sense when they are about to die and become more cuddly and those thoughts crept into my head.  I lectured my mom that they better take her to the vet first thing Monday morning; lectures she graciously deals with from a paranoid daughter.  We all got up to leave Atlanta Sunday morning to head our various ways and again, I just had a sick feeling in my gut that something was wrong and that I may never see her again.  My little cousins (9 & 7 years old) followed her and Snickers out to the car to say goodbye.  I shooed the kids away after their goodbyes because I wanted to be the last one to say bye and have a minute with her.  I know I sound like a weirdo but I always had to tell her bye and to “be a good girl” and I had a feeling something was wrong.  I just knew. 

  My mom emailed my sisters and me Monday morning that Sydney had been up all night and they were taking her to the vet.  The pit in my stomach grew.  I g-chatted my sister and told her I was worried she had a tumor or cancer.  My sister responded that I was a worry freak and that she had just spoken with my mom and it was a UTI that antibiotics would cure quickly.  I was so relieved.  I also openly admit I am absolutely a worry wart about everything, but I also have always had an uncanny intuition about a lot of things.  An hour or so later, my mom called and I picked up excited to hear that Syd was going to be fine.  What I heard on the other end of the phone, however immediately told me otherwise.  I could hardly understand my mom on the phone she was so hysterical.  All I could make out was that my dad had brought her home from the Vet, given her the antibiotics, she was fine and then a few hours later she was flopping around on the floor.  My dad had taken her back to the vet and immediately called my mom to tell her to get up there fast.  I waited anxiously for an update and decided I needed to drive home to say goodbye.  I had a feeling it was bad and could be the end but couldn’t let her go without seeing me and hearing me say I loved her.  I grabbed my laptop and ran out of the office.  My mom called back to say they could see internal bleeding and needed to operate but she was too weak to do so, so they were going to have to do a blood transfusion first.  I told them I was on my way and that I needed to say goodbye to her.  Not long after that, they called again to say she was going downhill too fast and they were going to have to start operating before the transfusion was completed.  I knew the 2.5 hour drive was too long to get me there in time.  Sure enough my dad called about 30 minutes later to say that she was gone.  They had opened her up and discovered a tumor on her bladder that had ruptured.  There was nothing they could do. 

I couldn’t ask my parents to wait around at the vet for a few hours after saying goodbye just so that I could do the same.  I also didn’t know if I wanted to see her deceased, so I opted to not continue the drive home and went back to my house.  I sobbed in my parking lot for a long time before I could bring myself to get out of the car.  Every now and then I thought about how I would react if and when Sydney died.  She was 10 and I knew it was inevitable at some point but you just can’t imagine them not being around.  I knew it would be tough but I am shocked at how hard it is.  I haven’t been able to stop crying since it happened and can’t eat.  I just keep picturing her in her favorite spots around the house, chasing squirrels, licking the sweat off of me after a workout and her obnoxiously high-pitched bark. I also can’t stop thinking about her lying on that table, sick and scared, without one of us next to her to reassure our love before she left.  I believe that dogs have souls and pray that there is a place for them in heaven and that she knows how much she meant to me.

There is reason to give thanks in all of this and that is because her final days were spent with the entire family.  I got to spend all of last week with her and was able to see her the day before she died.  I am also thankful that God gave me the intuition to know it could be the last time I would see her and that I took the time to give her a worried personal goodbye.  All of that being said, it’s going to be so tough at Christmas when she’s not waiting outside my door every morning for me to wake up, begging for scraps (I’m so glad I snuck her a lot of turkey scraps on Thanksgiving) or snuggling by the fire keeping my feet warm.  This is the first time I’ve lost a dog, so the emotions are new to me.  While it sounds awful, I didn’t cry this much or get this upset when my grandparents passed.  I of course loved and cared for them dearly but a dog is different.  The feeling that I needed her and she really needed me; the feeling of knowing that she was always excited to see me and love on me; that she would always be there for me and be a never ending source of joy is just irreplaceable.  I cannot believe she is gone and that I won’t get to feel that with her again.  It just doesn’t seem real.  I didn’t know the loss of a dog would be this difficult and I realize it sounds crazy and doesn’t make sense to some, but to those who have genuinely loved and lost a dog, you understand and now, so do I.   

Time will heal the pain as it always does, but my heart will be heavy for you for a long time Sydney.  I hope you knew how loved you were and how deeply you will be missed.  You took a part of my heart with you and I hope you will always hang on to it.      

I’ll close with an email from my mom:

“She didn't want you to make that drive and see her so sick -  I heard this on the radio on the way to the dr yesterday and knew immediately it was from her.  She left before we got there too.”

 xoxox

Softly, I will leave you softly

For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go

So I leave you softly, long before you miss me

Long before your arms can beg me to stay,

For one more hour or one more day

After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall

So, softly as I leave you there

Softly, long before you kiss me

Long before your arms can beg me to stay

For one more our or one more day

After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall

So, softly as I leave you there

As I leave you there

As I leave you there