Kristen in LA

My 2nd blog is dedicated to my best friend since 1st grade.  (even though she made serious fun of my redneck accent when I moved in next door....I'm clearly not still holding that against her 22 years later)  This post is a simple copy/paste of an email I received from Kristen this morning that had me rolling on the floor laughing.  Minor background details to know prior to reading:  Kristen lives in LA, loves Trumpets, and wouldn't consider a coked out homeless man in Compton a stranger.  ....enjoy :)

In the words of KP:

So-a very long email detailing my epic journey to Pittsburgh PA. Please read with hand gestures and voices. :)


I guess you could say that it started last night when Anna, Maggie and I discovered that our local wine bar had a Malbec named Trumpeter. Although Anna insisted I had enjoyed this wine at a previous time, I do not recall this alleged event. Between the 3 of us we consumed 2 bottles of Trumpeter Wine and a Tempora. I also do not recall the last wine, but I do recall the hiccups...which still plague me this morning. I also believe that I had tuna tartar, caprese salad, a chocolate cake and almonds-no I'm not preggers (3 bottles of wine people) I just like all that crap. It is astonishing to note that I woke up a bit hungover this morning.

Before we even went out Last night, I refused to pack because I wanted to watch a DVR'd show entitled 'Til Debt Do Us Part' a fabulous show that I pretend to relate to (except that I'm not married or sharing credit cards with anyone else or 80K in debt). For instance-the people last night bought a house with $0 down. Yeah-not even a dollar down and then thought OMG-they needed a car for the garage-so they bought that and then the wife wanted a car too so they bought that as well. These people were over spending their budget by $7000/mo. A nightmare! Beautiful. This overweight English brunette(supernanny for finances) comes in and saves not only their money problems but their relationship as well. Clearly you can empathize with my need to watch this show and not pack a damn thing.

Which brings me to this morning...the alarm was set for 6am but alas-I forgot to turn it on. No problem-those who drink the night before are destined to toss and turn when the sun comes out (why I invested in curtains and a sleeping mask). I wake around 6:10 and instead of stressing I decide I will make a list. It is a very wise decision if I were making a packing list-but no-I decide that on this morning-on the eve of my vacation for 15 days that I will make a list of all the songs I should download off itunes. Then, I proceed to download them (why I needed a list is like the same question as how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsiepop). I also had a giftcard from Christmas that I had to figure out how to use this morning. Keeping in mind that I purchase about $15 of songs each month, I clearly had no time to use this certificate at ANY other point.

I'm still not packed. My roomate comes out of her room and says 'Are you done?' Because I am on my bed with my computer and leaving soon and still have to shower. I tell her-of course not and she rolls her eyes and then goes to work. I have now remembered that I can download podcasts too! This will be perfect for my trip.

Anna is scheduled to come to pick me up about 8:15 so after shoving some dresses and stuff in my suitcase I shower throw on makeup and decide that at 7:55 I NEED to get gas for my car. Anna will be by in her car to pick me up in 20 min so I have ample time to put gas in my car and then park it in my garage where it will sit for 16 days, untouched by human hands (I saw a rat in our garage once so I emphasize the human aspect of that statement-not that rats have hands). Before I get gas I realize that I have 2 checks to deposit (one check being from a bra rebate that I think my Mom sent me because I didn't buy bras-but when a check comes in the mail-you have to cash it and one from other nights at the bar from Anna). The ATM is of course out of service but Anna is there too! She takes our checks and my ATM card and searches out a new location for us to deposit our checks while I go get gas. This is why Anna gets the BF status out here. She doesn't question the need for gas-but rather understands that I may wake up in the middle of the night while in Pittsburgh and realize that my car has no gas and ruin my whole trip!!!

As we leave for the airport I realize that she is currently on a conference call. How that girl can conference, drive to the airport and talk to me all while slightly hungover is beyond me. I strive to be more like her!

I get to the airport and a man in front of me comments on my trumpet necklace. I'm all set to make an airport friend when he turns and faces me and his chest hair is sprawled across the full area between his head and button on his shirt. I can't be his friend...

The people in front of hairy man have 2 kids who are traveling to the same destination as me. The flight crew tells them it will be $100 for an unattended traveler. You can guess what my next thought was- I can claim these kids and save these strangers money! It took all of my willpower not to take these kids under my experienced traveling wings-I entered the checkpoint line and quickly discovered a new thought. Always choose the line with grade school kids in it. At first look-you may think KIDS-AHHH! But in actuality-this age group is the perfect traveling age. They spend the whole line calculating what they will do when they get to the front of the line-which bin they will get and where all their gadgets will go. Plus they ask ?'s like 'do my suckers set off the detectors?' Which is hilarious!

So I'm early for my flight-I cannot remember if I packed essential things and I am still hungover. I head over to the Bakery and decide that I WILL get a chocolate chip cookie because I have already made 2 good decisions in my best interest. I did NOT decide to accompany 2 random kids and I did NOT decide to drink my breakfast at the bar which is conveniently located next to the bakery. Although these were good choices-I find that I often hurt myself the most with the reward for good behavior. Take these decisions-sure I do not have to occupy the time of kids but I will probably end up doing that anyway-I like kids, I am also not drinking which is technically a good decision but then I got a cookie which probably has the most calories and will cost me more trouble with weight gain then just taking care of the kids or nursing a beer.

Anyway-I'm in line at the bakery and meet a dreamy guy in line who as it turns out, is having a chocolate chip cookie too! He also turns out to have a lisp and be traveling to San Fransisco. Hmmm.... So I opt to go to a big table and leave empty chairs for unassuming people. I am secretly hoping that the hotties who have a cart full of luggage who joked with me that they swore they had an eye on their bags the whole time and begged me not to report them despite the airport warnings, would come and sit with me but alas-they had to catch their flight. So I'm currently sitting with an old married couple and their spinster old maid friend who is well traveled but single and guess what? She is a TEACHER! Don't let my hair get frizzy friends. And make me wear makeup if I'm unfortunate looking. Don't let me become a well traveled old lady! They are talking about keeping journals and their next trip before they even do this trip!

I look like I am their bratty other daughter who refuses to speak and only talks on her phone. Oh well-at least they will have something to talk to all their travel buddies about. 'Remember that girl who texted the whole time at breakfast? Really-what is wrong with that generation?'

Alright-it is off to my flight where I will enjoy my new music and podcasts...I should have brought a sweater but it is too late now. I will see you all soon and I hope that you have enjoyed my epic morning! And with a little luck- I will get bumped and a vouchure- you just never know when I go to the airport!

KP